Life, Love & Loss - The Journey of Healing, Hope & Happiness

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Sighs of Relief

On Isaiah's 2nd birthday, I was able to hear our little rainbow's heartbeat for the first time. The joy I felt after hearing that precious sound. It was a bittersweet moment, and felt like a gift from our son. My loving son sent his momma an amazing gift.

Today at 17 weeks and 1 day I have been feeling little movements all day long. I can't help but smile and thank God for everyone of those movements. They remind me how fragile life is, how much I have missed this feeling. Today for this time this pregnancy I have been searching for baby things, and enjoying my gift. I can finally breath and relax. Taking weekly bump photos is becoming more enjoyable, and excitement is rising with every passing week.

I also have my very first anatomy scan on February 28th at 8:30 am. I am very much looking forward to seeing my little rainbow again. I want to see his perfect face. I have only ever had 1st trimester U/S so this will be a very new experience for me.

This finally feel real. I may just actually get to hold a real living baby in July. It is still hard to imagine, but every step, every week and every appointment gets me closer to a long desired prayer.

Friday, November 22, 2013

A little update...

I know its been awhile since I have written here, but here's a little update:

In August, Daniel and I decided that in the following Spring, we would be saying goodbye to our TTC Season, as he would be getting a Vasectomy. I struggled with it, but I was coming to terms with it and even found myself looking forward to the peace, and getting back to normal life again. This month is 7 years since we started trying for our family, and it was time to let go.

In October, I went to Vernon to visit my sister, and my best friend, and to remember Lillian's due date on October 29th. It was a hard time for me and I was very emotional. In fact everything set me off. My sister and best friend comment on how emotional I was. It was like this the whole week I was in Vernon. Everyday it got worse. I thought it was just Lillian's due date that was making me over sensitive. It was to the point that I could not wait to get back home and get back to my normal life. I missed my sanity.

On the bus ride home, the bus was packed with people, and their luggage on the seats. Abigail and I had no where to sit, and when the bus driver saw us in the isle still, he got angry at the other passengers and made a comment about a young woman and her little girl needing a place to sit, and that someone better make room for us. An older gentleman gave us his seat, and I just lost it. Through my tears, I said thank you about 6 times.

At this point, I started to think something was up. I was expecting AF to show up that night on the ride home. After a very long night on the bus ( Abigail threw up 3 times on the bus ).On November 2nd I was returned home. I was so happy to be home. Daniel let me take a nap while he watched Abigail, and when I woke and noticed I was late, I decided it was time to take a test.

I was so terrified and happy at the same time. I made my first prenatal appointment for December 4th and found out the my Sister In Law and have the same appointment time with the same Midwife team. Today I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

Friday, July 5, 2013

45 months later.....

November 2006, Daniel and I made the decision to start trying for a baby. I had spent 4 years on the birth control pill and had always hear from the nurses at the Health Unit, " if you skip JUST one pill, you run the risk of getting pregnant! " So naturally, I thought that Daniel and I would get pregnant immediately after stopping the BCP. I was also naive in thinking that just because my cycle was 28 days on the BCP that the normal cycle of a day 14 ovulation and a perfect 14 day LP would apply to my new cycles after taking my last pill.

It did not.

My cycles were all over the map. I was peeing on sticks constantly thinking that a late period MUST mean I am pregnant...

It does not.

By the time our wedding came in January 2007 I was sure I going to get pregnant on our Honeymoon.

I did not.

Our 1 year wedding anniversary came and went with no baby in sight. I began to wonder if I was broken. Maybe I just CAN'T have kids.. That was a terrifying thought. I was talking to my Mother In Law one day and she mentioned to me, that with Daniel's illness as a child, the doctors gave him medication that may have made him sterile... I cried many tears at that information. We began talking about our options. Adoption came up, naturally. I was devastated thinking I may never hold and love a baby that Daniel and I made out of love. I tried to forget about trying to conceive for a little while. We focused on our plans to move to Hawaii later that year. Summer time came and it seemed my cycles were finally getting a normal pattern to them.

July 2008, Daniel and I did several road trips and made many special memories. Including our first 4th of July in the USA and later that month my first Creation Fest experience. It was amazing and so peaceful and gave me hope that maybe God really did have a baby in our future. In August when I saw my doctor, he told me he wanted to run some tests on myself and Daniel. We agreed. We were supposed to come in when my next period came.

In September after getting used to my normal cycles, and noticing that I seemed to be having another long one. I took yet another pregnancy test. But this time there were 2 VERY pink lines. I was shaking. Absolutely vibrating.

Abigail was born 9 1/2 months later.

After Abigail's 1st birthday, I knew I was ready to try again. This time, I was armed with more knowledge. I was charting my Body Basal Temps, Cervical mucus and using Ovulation Predictor Kits. I learned massive amounts of information about my body through this. I learned, that I do not ovulate 14 days after my period starts, like I was led to believe. Instead it turns out I was missing ovulation by 4 days. I also learned that my Luteal Phase was shorter then 14 days. I did not have a " normal " cycle. I had this valuable knowledge. Using it, we were able to conceive our sweet son Isaiah in less then a year! 10 months to be exact. I was thrilled. 10 months compared to the 19 months we spend trying to conceive Abigail, was AMAZING!

9 1/2 months later Isaiah was born sleeping.

I was completely heartbroken but I willed myself to try again immediately. I knew it my heart, that even with all my charting, it would take close to a year for us to conceive our rainbow baby. I was right. 2 days shy of Isaiah's 13th month in Heaven, we found out we were expecting our Lillian. For 12 perfect weeks I was happily pregnant, totally unaware of the fact that Lillian went to Heaven 6 weeks earlier. After 10 days of waiting for my miscarriage to start, Lillian came without a fight. Perfect and whole.

Today marks 2 months, 1 week and 5 days since I said goodbye to Lillian.

45 months of trying to make our family.

When we first started this journey, I never in a million years, thought it would take this long. But here we are...

45 months later. One happy healthy 4 year old little girl. One sleeping son, and one tiny precious angel. Many tears, and many memories. But I know, we are not done. We will keep trying, month after month for one more healthy, happy baby.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Return to Zero

Return to Zero is a film by Sean Hanish. A father of a stillborn baby boy born in 2005. He quit his mainstram job making commercials in California to make a film based on a the true story of every family that has had to say goodbye to a baby.

However the only way that film will ever hit theaters is if a goal of 100,000 pledges is reached by this Thursday at midnight.

When I first heard about this film, I was in love with the idea immediately. This is exactly what is need to show those that are unfamiliar with the Loss Community, what we as a collective group deal with day in and day out. I myself am a Local Leader here in Calgary and have 17 ledges. My personal goal is 13 more by Thrusday at midnight. This movie needs to be seen by everyone whose loved ones have buried a child. I am asking my friends and family member to please pledge to see this film in our Isaiah's honour.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

4 years ago today....

4 years ago today I was very very pregnant. I was sitting at home in our tiny house in Hawaii. I was exhausted from carrying about this belly for 13 extra days... I was getting impatient and my mind began to wonder to thoughts like " is this baby EVER going to come out ?" to " Maybe I should get induced... " Then I would remind myself that when baby is ready, he/she will come.

I tried to keep myself occupied in those long weeks. I never imagined waiting this long. In my head I had many thoughts about what to expect. I thought for sure my baby would be one of the 5% that would come on his or her due date...

When that did not happen, my mind wondered to when labour would begin and where I would be. I imagined being in church and having my water break like in the movies. Or a more scary thought was that we would be hitchhiking into town and I would go into labour then. So I decided to seclude myself in the weeks that past. I did not want to be on the side of the road while in labour... No thank you!

We stayed home. Watched many many movies, I cleaned like a crazy person. And made home-made perogies and other freezer food. But as the days went on, the more exhausted I became. And the less I wanted to cook. So I cooked the freezer food. Counterproductive, I know.

We were into June... I was so looking forward to my May baby. Now I was going to have a little June bug.

In my head I began thinking about what labour would actually feel like. I had not felt a Braxton Hicks contraction before so I had no idea what to look for. Would I be able to handle the pain? Would Daniel know what to do? I wrote out lists for him to study so he would know what to do.

Then at 5pm June 4th I stood up to start making dinner after a long, lazy day... When I stood up I felt something very odd. I stood there for a couple minutes, waiting to see if I would feel it again. Sure enough 5 minutes later I felt it again. I quickly wrote down the time and how long this odd sensation lasted. A huge surge of adrenaline ran through my body. 5 minutes later I felt it again. But this did not feel like what I had read about. I could not feel the muscles in my uterus tightening up. It was feeling much lower. In my cervix. I was feeling our baby's head on my cervix as a result of the contraction!

Daniel noticed me furiously writing. He asked what was up. I told him " I think I am FINALLY in labour!! " I waited and felt my odd sensation every few minutes. I loved it. After about 30 minutes I started to get uncomfortable. We decided to call our dear friend, whom we had asked to be there with us on the big day. She told us she would be over within an hour. So I decided I needed to clean! I mean, that is what every pregnant woman does while in labour and is waiting for a friend to come over, right?

After the bathroom was clean ( I planned on a water birth, so I really did need the tub to be clean )
I used the bathroom several times because in my research I had read that empty bladders and bowels are best in labour. Finally after what seemed like an eternity Betty showed up. She took a few photos of Daniel and I while I laboured through the pain. We decided that washing the baby's clothes might be a good idea. So after we started the load of laundry. The pain and contractions were kicking it up a notch. So Betty drew a bath for me. When I got in, I felt better for a few minutes. Then, an urge came. It was both familiar and foreign.

Push! And when I did. Felt a pop, and gush. It was the strangest feeling. I was instantly uncomfortable with had just happened within my body. I saw my bath water become unclean with amniotic fluid. I got out of the tub and paced. It was now about 10 pm. 5 hours after my 1st contractions. Daniel and I decided that since the tub was now out of the question, that he should blow up the air mattress and I would give birth there. So I laid down. Exhausted and in pain. I was so tired that during the contractions I would close my eyes and fall asleep as soon as it was finished. I honestly do not remember much in those last few hours. I remember Daniel and Betty's voices cheering me on. Daniel's hands massaging my very sore back. I just laid there in through those contractions trying to breathe out the pain.
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Then our baby's head started to appear. I could tell from the excitement in Daniel's voice, when he could see the head. He urged me to keep going. Keep pushing. And I did. I felt like my pelvis was on fire. I wanted to break down in tears and give up. But those gentle loving voices told me to keep pushing. Finally I pushed out our baby's head. I was relieved. Then I waited for my next contraction to help me push our little one all the way out. It seemed to be forever until that next contraction came. When it came I gave a final huge push. Our baby slid out at 3:09 am June 5th 2009! Daniel caught the baby and cut the umbilical cord and as he handed me our very little one. He announced " It's ABIGAIL! " I lost control of my emotions as I held her, and nursed her. She found my breast right away and happily began eating. I was instantly in love. Never in my life and I known a bond that could form that quick.

Betty and Daniel cleaned up the air mattress as I had a shower. Then Daniel gently washed the birth fluids from Abigail. She did not like that. As she cried, I raced out of the shower so I could hold her and comfort her. After I nursed her again Daniel put her in 1st outfit. A sleeper dress with tiny stars. I snuggled her and we both fell asleep quickly.

This is Abigail at 7 am June 5th 2009 ( 4 hours old )