It has been 4 weeks since I miscarried Lillian.
The past weekend we spent the day with Daniel's dad and his girlfriend Tracey. I have asked Daniel several time, " are you sure everyone knows that we have lost Lillian ? " Well I guess, not everyone knows.
Tracey gives me a hug and then looks at tummy and asks how I am feeling. I knew instantly what she was getting at. I stammered as I told her that we had lost Lillian about a month ago. I felt overwhelming sadness as I explained the events. But for some reason I felt like I could not explain my emotions to her. But I have always been comfortable sharing my emotions, so this was odd for me. I thought that maybe if I showed her a picture of Lillian that I have on my phone, that might help. But I made her uncomfortable. I have noticed this with the women of that generation. Last Christmas I was showing my Mother In Law photos on my computer and came across the photos of Isaiah's birth and our stay at the hospital. In my mind, these photos are like any other. But I could sense that Gloria was uncomfortable looking at these. I think it is because in their generation you do NOT talk about stillbirth or miscarriage. You deal with it on your own. Photos especially are a no no.
But I feel differently. I guess I have always been expressive about my pain and loss. When I share these photos, I do as I would share a funny photo of Abigail. To me, these are my children and when I share them with you, I am not trying to make you uncomfortable. I am simply sharing my children with you.
Now the women of my generation, are not afraid of this. The morning I miscarried Lillian, I came out of the bathroom and Jordyn ( my Brother in Law's girlfriend ) was just getting up. As soon as I saw my little Lillian, I felt the need to share her with someone, anyone. I asked Jordyn if she would like to see my baby. When she said sure, I was not sure if she was just being polite or if she was genuinely interested. I felt peace at being able to share my baby with someone. Because I was not sure what to expect during my miscarriage my darling Sister in Law Tarina had invited me over to her so I would not have to be alone and in case I needed help of any kind. When I walked through the door Tarina hugged me and made me instantly comfortable. We talked for a long time about her experiences with miscarriages and about how I was feeling. I asked her if she would like to see Lillian ( I had wrapped her in toilet paper and placed her in a ziplock bag and brought her with me. ) She said she would love to see Lillian and told me that she had hoped to be able to see her. This brought me so much joy! I knew that Tarina would understand and would be gracious but this was more then I expected. As Tarina looked at my precious little angel. I realized, that this was her niece. I was sad for her.
Later my phone rang. It was Daniel.
When he had left for work that morning I had just started to bleed heavily. I passed my first clot about 5 minutes after he had left. So as the clots got bigger and bigger I started calling him and texting him. When he did not answer, I sent him some pictures of what I was passing. When I found Lillian I also sent him a picture of her. He didn't check his phone until he was on break. I can only imagine the shock on his face when he notice 13 missed calls from me and multiple pictures of what I can only describe as a crime scene. He called me immediately, thinking the worst. He asked if I needed him home, and if everything was okay. I told him i was at Tarina's and that I was fine now. But I think I took something away from him when I declined his help. He grieves best when he can be helpful to me. I noticed this when we lost Isaiah.
I also got several text messages and phone calls from my sweet and caring friends and family. One of them was Julie. She asked if I could stop by her house later that day. When I did, she asked if she could see Lillian. I, of course agreed. Then as we were looking at my little Lillian, Julie called her 2.5 year old daughter Danielle over to come see Lillian. My heart soared, when she did this. Julie is teaching her daughters that miscarriage and stillbirth are okay to talk about. Alivia, her 6 year old, is very curious about Isaiah. She asks about him every time we are over. I do not mind talking about Isaiah at all. In fact, I love that his cousins know who he is, and that he WAS here! Danielle likes to come snuggle with me and poke my belly and yell in her adorable toddler voice that " ( my ) baby died! " I often have to stifle a giggle when she does this. Her innocence when it comes to talking about baby loss, is above all, heartwarming.
So why is it that children have no issues and discomfort when talking about miscarriage and stillbirth? While adults from the past generation, simply cannot deal with it?
It is because their mother's and grandmothers did not talk about it.
I will make sure that this does not happen to my daughter. Abigail will know about her siblings, just as I knew about mine. My mom was always very open about her losses. In fact I remember very clearly, when she was telling me about her miscarriage. She told me, that she regretted letting her baby end up in the toilet just to be flushed. I have often thought back to that story and sworn to myself, that if I was to ever have a miscarriage that I would try my hardest to make sure that my baby did not end up in the sewer system. So when the time, I kept every single clot. Searching for my baby girl. When I found her, she was perfect and intact. I learned from my mom's mistakes and was able to hold and see my baby. Because my mom was not afraid to talk about it! Thank you mom for your openness.
The past weekend we spent the day with Daniel's dad and his girlfriend Tracey. I have asked Daniel several time, " are you sure everyone knows that we have lost Lillian ? " Well I guess, not everyone knows.
Tracey gives me a hug and then looks at tummy and asks how I am feeling. I knew instantly what she was getting at. I stammered as I told her that we had lost Lillian about a month ago. I felt overwhelming sadness as I explained the events. But for some reason I felt like I could not explain my emotions to her. But I have always been comfortable sharing my emotions, so this was odd for me. I thought that maybe if I showed her a picture of Lillian that I have on my phone, that might help. But I made her uncomfortable. I have noticed this with the women of that generation. Last Christmas I was showing my Mother In Law photos on my computer and came across the photos of Isaiah's birth and our stay at the hospital. In my mind, these photos are like any other. But I could sense that Gloria was uncomfortable looking at these. I think it is because in their generation you do NOT talk about stillbirth or miscarriage. You deal with it on your own. Photos especially are a no no.
But I feel differently. I guess I have always been expressive about my pain and loss. When I share these photos, I do as I would share a funny photo of Abigail. To me, these are my children and when I share them with you, I am not trying to make you uncomfortable. I am simply sharing my children with you.
Now the women of my generation, are not afraid of this. The morning I miscarried Lillian, I came out of the bathroom and Jordyn ( my Brother in Law's girlfriend ) was just getting up. As soon as I saw my little Lillian, I felt the need to share her with someone, anyone. I asked Jordyn if she would like to see my baby. When she said sure, I was not sure if she was just being polite or if she was genuinely interested. I felt peace at being able to share my baby with someone. Because I was not sure what to expect during my miscarriage my darling Sister in Law Tarina had invited me over to her so I would not have to be alone and in case I needed help of any kind. When I walked through the door Tarina hugged me and made me instantly comfortable. We talked for a long time about her experiences with miscarriages and about how I was feeling. I asked her if she would like to see Lillian ( I had wrapped her in toilet paper and placed her in a ziplock bag and brought her with me. ) She said she would love to see Lillian and told me that she had hoped to be able to see her. This brought me so much joy! I knew that Tarina would understand and would be gracious but this was more then I expected. As Tarina looked at my precious little angel. I realized, that this was her niece. I was sad for her.
Later my phone rang. It was Daniel.
When he had left for work that morning I had just started to bleed heavily. I passed my first clot about 5 minutes after he had left. So as the clots got bigger and bigger I started calling him and texting him. When he did not answer, I sent him some pictures of what I was passing. When I found Lillian I also sent him a picture of her. He didn't check his phone until he was on break. I can only imagine the shock on his face when he notice 13 missed calls from me and multiple pictures of what I can only describe as a crime scene. He called me immediately, thinking the worst. He asked if I needed him home, and if everything was okay. I told him i was at Tarina's and that I was fine now. But I think I took something away from him when I declined his help. He grieves best when he can be helpful to me. I noticed this when we lost Isaiah.
I also got several text messages and phone calls from my sweet and caring friends and family. One of them was Julie. She asked if I could stop by her house later that day. When I did, she asked if she could see Lillian. I, of course agreed. Then as we were looking at my little Lillian, Julie called her 2.5 year old daughter Danielle over to come see Lillian. My heart soared, when she did this. Julie is teaching her daughters that miscarriage and stillbirth are okay to talk about. Alivia, her 6 year old, is very curious about Isaiah. She asks about him every time we are over. I do not mind talking about Isaiah at all. In fact, I love that his cousins know who he is, and that he WAS here! Danielle likes to come snuggle with me and poke my belly and yell in her adorable toddler voice that " ( my ) baby died! " I often have to stifle a giggle when she does this. Her innocence when it comes to talking about baby loss, is above all, heartwarming.
So why is it that children have no issues and discomfort when talking about miscarriage and stillbirth? While adults from the past generation, simply cannot deal with it?
It is because their mother's and grandmothers did not talk about it.
I will make sure that this does not happen to my daughter. Abigail will know about her siblings, just as I knew about mine. My mom was always very open about her losses. In fact I remember very clearly, when she was telling me about her miscarriage. She told me, that she regretted letting her baby end up in the toilet just to be flushed. I have often thought back to that story and sworn to myself, that if I was to ever have a miscarriage that I would try my hardest to make sure that my baby did not end up in the sewer system. So when the time, I kept every single clot. Searching for my baby girl. When I found her, she was perfect and intact. I learned from my mom's mistakes and was able to hold and see my baby. Because my mom was not afraid to talk about it! Thank you mom for your openness.
