Happy Belated Mother's Day to my fellow Mom's.
I was not expecting to have to prepare myself mentally for Mother's Day. I guess I was just hoping be able to enjoy a lovely, peaceful Mother's Day with Daniel and Abigail. I miss the innocence of Mother's Days past. The ones where I would wake up, and Daniel and Abigail ( well mostly Daniel ) would have a wonderful surprise for me and I would feel nothing but joy and peacefulness at such a lovely day.
Well those days are long gone, I have found. Saturday night, I laid awake looking forward to the next day. Wondering what surprises would be in store. The two weeks beforehand I had been not very subtle about my wishes for Mother's Day. I was hoping for a new tea pot and tea set including some yummy new teas.
As soon as I opened my eyes on Sunday morning, I was sudden struck with overwhelming grief. I thought to myself, " why did I think I could JUST enjoy today ? "
Daniel so sweetly asked if I wanted to go our for a Mother's Day breakfast. We got ready and while in the shower, I ran my hand over my empty tummy wishing that Lillian was still with us. To be pregnant on Mother's Day with our rainbow would have made a bittersweet day, more sweet. But she is gone.
At breakfast as Abigail was eating so well and in such wonderful mood, I thought about my little boy who would be squirming in my lap or reaching for the cutlery. Whose sweet laughter would bring happy tears to my eyes on a very blessed day. But he is gone.
After breakfast, Daniel announced that he wanted me to pick out my tea pot for fear of buying the wrong one. So we headed to the mall. We searched and searched and searched some more.... Nothing I liked. Abigail also started to get bored. Understandable as I was getting more emotional by the minute. Every pregnant woman I would see would induce tears and jealousy. But I remind myself, that perhaps that woman has had a loss or dealt with infertility. So the jealousy never lasted long.
We then did some shopping for spring clothing. After trying on various shorts and skirts. I was emotional for another reason. Weight gain. Suddenly I realized that I have gained weight. After looking in that awful mirror for 20 minutes, I noticed the weight as all in my tummy. I later stepped on a scaled and saw the numbers added 10 extra lbs to my pre-pregnancy weight. I felt ashamed, that I had let myself go, that much. But that is for another time.
We had been invited to Brian and Julie's house for dinner that night. We arrived and Brian and Julie's 2 adorable girls ( Alivia and Danielle ) were happily playing and waiting for Abigail to play with them. Julie was holding her 3 week old daughter Lauren, and the tears came again. Julie asked if I wanted to hold Lauren, while she prepared dinner. As I held that beautiful baby girl. I looked at her profile, and I was suddenly hit with the realization that Lauren looked identical to her cousin Isaiah. Julie saw the tears asked if she should take Lauren back. I said I was fine. And I was... looking at a perfect and healthy baby that looks identical to your sleeping baby... is surprisingly peaceful. I could just imagine Isaiah's breath and sweet coo. Lauren nestled her precious face into the crook of my arm. Finally peace. Peace from my emotions. Peace from my sorrow.
When we returned home from dinner that night, I finally let the sorrow take over and I sobbed the whole way home. Daniel held my hand and did not say a word. I knew he was feeling the emotions of this day as well.
In bed that night, I thought about the 3 beautiful children that have made me the mom I am today. I am so grateful to have been able to love them.
Abigail Sarah Sophia <3
Isaiah Daniel Jeremiah <3
Lillian Juliet Rose <3
I was not expecting to have to prepare myself mentally for Mother's Day. I guess I was just hoping be able to enjoy a lovely, peaceful Mother's Day with Daniel and Abigail. I miss the innocence of Mother's Days past. The ones where I would wake up, and Daniel and Abigail ( well mostly Daniel ) would have a wonderful surprise for me and I would feel nothing but joy and peacefulness at such a lovely day.
Well those days are long gone, I have found. Saturday night, I laid awake looking forward to the next day. Wondering what surprises would be in store. The two weeks beforehand I had been not very subtle about my wishes for Mother's Day. I was hoping for a new tea pot and tea set including some yummy new teas.
As soon as I opened my eyes on Sunday morning, I was sudden struck with overwhelming grief. I thought to myself, " why did I think I could JUST enjoy today ? "
Daniel so sweetly asked if I wanted to go our for a Mother's Day breakfast. We got ready and while in the shower, I ran my hand over my empty tummy wishing that Lillian was still with us. To be pregnant on Mother's Day with our rainbow would have made a bittersweet day, more sweet. But she is gone.
At breakfast as Abigail was eating so well and in such wonderful mood, I thought about my little boy who would be squirming in my lap or reaching for the cutlery. Whose sweet laughter would bring happy tears to my eyes on a very blessed day. But he is gone.
After breakfast, Daniel announced that he wanted me to pick out my tea pot for fear of buying the wrong one. So we headed to the mall. We searched and searched and searched some more.... Nothing I liked. Abigail also started to get bored. Understandable as I was getting more emotional by the minute. Every pregnant woman I would see would induce tears and jealousy. But I remind myself, that perhaps that woman has had a loss or dealt with infertility. So the jealousy never lasted long.
We then did some shopping for spring clothing. After trying on various shorts and skirts. I was emotional for another reason. Weight gain. Suddenly I realized that I have gained weight. After looking in that awful mirror for 20 minutes, I noticed the weight as all in my tummy. I later stepped on a scaled and saw the numbers added 10 extra lbs to my pre-pregnancy weight. I felt ashamed, that I had let myself go, that much. But that is for another time.
We had been invited to Brian and Julie's house for dinner that night. We arrived and Brian and Julie's 2 adorable girls ( Alivia and Danielle ) were happily playing and waiting for Abigail to play with them. Julie was holding her 3 week old daughter Lauren, and the tears came again. Julie asked if I wanted to hold Lauren, while she prepared dinner. As I held that beautiful baby girl. I looked at her profile, and I was suddenly hit with the realization that Lauren looked identical to her cousin Isaiah. Julie saw the tears asked if she should take Lauren back. I said I was fine. And I was... looking at a perfect and healthy baby that looks identical to your sleeping baby... is surprisingly peaceful. I could just imagine Isaiah's breath and sweet coo. Lauren nestled her precious face into the crook of my arm. Finally peace. Peace from my emotions. Peace from my sorrow.
When we returned home from dinner that night, I finally let the sorrow take over and I sobbed the whole way home. Daniel held my hand and did not say a word. I knew he was feeling the emotions of this day as well.
In bed that night, I thought about the 3 beautiful children that have made me the mom I am today. I am so grateful to have been able to love them.
Abigail Sarah Sophia <3
Isaiah Daniel Jeremiah <3
Lillian Juliet Rose <3
Thank you for sharing. I hope that some day Mother's Day will again be a joyful day for you. Love you, friend.
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